The 2013 Political Animal Awards
Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it's imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you'd be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it's awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We've made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.
The "Best Impression of a Reanimated Halloween Pumpkin" Award: And the winner is ... oh, forgive me, that's right, we're all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell.
Best Direction of a Comedy: To Mitt Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.
The "He Should Switch to Decaf and Really Soon" Award: Vice President Joe Biden.
Collateral Damage Award: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow's peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.
"The Clock is Ticking Loud Enough to Pierce Eardrums on a Couple Different Continents" Award: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad.
The "You Can Go Home Again" Award: To former Gov. Sarah Palin, Fox News' gain is Alaska's loss.
Heart of a Plucked Chicken Award: To Nevada Sen. Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity.
The "It's Better to be Lucky than Good" Award: For the second year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama.
The "Your 15 Minutes Were Up 30 Minutes Ago" Award: It's a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan.
The "Why Doesn't Anybody Return My Calls Anymore?" Award: Karl Rove, and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
The "You Can Keep a Good Man Down" Award: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown.
The "Taking Sibling Rivalry to a Brand New Level" Award: The Harbaugh boys.
The H.G. Wells Dating Service Award: Manti Te'o.
The "Head in the Sand" Lifetime Achievement Award: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.
The "Beat A Dead Horse Until We're All Covered in a Fine Red Mist" Award: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel's role in Benghazi.
The George Hamilton Tanning Award: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.
"Pop Goes the Weasel" Award: Lance Armstrong.
The Sisyphus Award: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.
The "Out of the Mouths of Babes" Award: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP "stop being the stupid party."
The Rip Van Winkle Award: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she's about to take.
And finally, the "Continent of Atlantis" Award: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new e-book, "Elect to Laugh!" published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com and Amazon, as is his previous book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."