Get rid of all non-native species in county

Keywords: Durango Herald,

Well, I’ll be 86ed! Preventing the introduction of non-native species into our county will necessitate a supreme effort requiring the dedicated participation of all our citizens. As our enlightened county commissioners have so aptly pointed out, we do not wish to be burdened with the responsibility of protecting sage grouse and alien fish. I offer the following suggestions: In order to prevent the migration of non-native four-legged creatures into our sacred domain, we must construct an electrified fence along the entire perimeter of the county. Of course, this will inadvertently exclude the native four-legged species, but we will just kill many of them anyway.

In order to prevent non-native birds from entering our air space, we must envelop the county with an enormous net suspended with sky hooks. Non-native birds remaining inside the enclosure will be shot. Non-native insects will be turned back by a very fine mesh installed in conjunction with the bird net. To repel unwanted fish, we will need to maintain netting across all rivers, creeks, canals, and ditches, to be manned by fish handlers capable of culling out alien fish while allowing the acceptable ones to continue on their way — green card in fin. Non-native microbes pose a logistical nightmare. Since we cannot see them, we will pretend they do not exist.

Once the borders have been secured, we can begin the task of plowing under all non-native crops and deporting non-native livestock. It’s back to South America, you llamas! I am sorry, Johnny, your pet dog will have to join all the other pets on the train bound for Camp Euthanasia. The costs of these projects, allowing for fraud, graft, delay, and cost overruns, will be staggering. Not to worry! We live in the age of creative financing. We’ll use bitcoins. Perhaps it would be much easier if all non-native humans simply left. This would render the native humans ecstatic with joy. After 500 years, we’re finally getting rid of an invasive species! Perhaps the most endangered species in Montezuma County are the commissioners.

Douglas May