Sage grouse are ministers of mayhem

Keywords: Durango Herald,

I have heard of the roving gangs of sage grouse. Wearing clown masks, these feathered fiends assault farmers and ranchers, posing a serious threat to their welfare and security. I heard of one housewife, who, not to be intimidated, took up a No. 8 Griswold skillet and whopped two of the aviary assassins into the next county where they belong. I have heard of humans and livestock contracting the highly contagious sage grouse disease. Symptoms include: loss of speech replaced with a clucking sound, itching, and feathers sprouting from shoulder blades, followed by the bird flu, uncontrollable squawking, then death.

Oh, yes, my friends, these clawfooted creatures have health threats written all over them. As for the ecosystem, these malevolent ministers of mayhem, if re-introduced into an environment they once inhabited for millennia, would destroy it! Be afraid. Be so afraid.

So, to further enhance and reinforce the reputation of Montezuma County as a bona fide Colorado backwater, our sage commissioners are grousing and grappling with the third draft of a stupefying proposal. This mind-numbing ordinance would prohibit the citizenry from establishing non-native habitat without their consent. Move over, feds. The county commissioners will handle the dictatorship from here. Cluck! Cluck!

Douglas May