End of world trumps plastic bags as local concern

Some of our city councilors are determined to “save the planet” by banning plastic bags. Are there examples of planets actually being saved by this ban? Are these bags the reason Mars ended up like it did? Now, I’m hearing about disease epidemics associated with reusable bags. Will we have the opportunity to vote on this issue? Sign me, Bugs in My Bags

Our future certainly looks bleak, what with all the loose plastic bags smothering the Earth and reusable bags harboring plagues of germs from spilled chicken juice.

What’s a good shopper to do? Keep consuming and forget about your choice of bags! You have 26 days left.

That’s not the number of shopping days until Christmas – it’s the number of days remaining until the Mayan Calendar supposedly ends and, along with it, the world.

So at work this morning, enter a reminder on your Outlook for Friday, Dec. 21: “FAC at El Rancho. Prep for mass extinction.”

On that day, the ancient Mayans supposedly foresaw waves of ruin, including a sudden reversal of the Earth’s north and south magnetic poles.

This would be devastating for Durango, causing mass confusion among City Market shoppers.

If south suddenly becomes north, is the new south City Market actually the old north City Market? More importantly, which one has the better cheese bar?

If the Mayan Calendar scenario unfolds, saving the planet will be Durango’s No. 1 priority. But we’re focusing on the wrong planet. And don’t look to Mars.

Doomsayers claim a Planet X called “Nibiru” will hit or nearly collide with Earth on Dec. 21. Seriously.

The notion of the Nibiru cataclysm was first put forward in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, whom Wikipedia says “describes herself as a contactee with the ability to receive messages from extra-terrestrials from the Zeta Reticuli star system through an implant in her brain.”

All Action Line can say is “wow,” and that we need Nancy to write some Letters to the Editor.

Meanwhile, back at the center of the universe that is Durango, the City Council has no plans to hold a plastic plebiscite because there is no draft ordinance yet and no one has made a motion to create one.

What? The City Council not rushing into a dubious proclamation pushed by special interests? It might be the End of Days after all, as a certain place just froze over.

H H H

You could practically see the wheels spinning in readers’ heads after last week’s column about the USA Pro Cycling Challenge bike race being replaced by the “Schmoe Challenge.”

As you recall, the Schmoe Challenge would be for any Joe Schmoe who happens to be in town on a mid-August weekend. Some takes:

“For God’s sake, Action Line, don’t give (Bob) Kunkel any more ideas!” implored one anonymous reader.

Another nameless wag suggested an additional high-profile event called the “Faux Challenge.” “The Faux Challenge concept is simple. A bunch of promoters convince a bike-friendly town to host a race that will ‘change everything.’ When no one shows up, everyone will pretend it was still a big success.”

Loyal reader Marta Bergen, meanwhile, asks an intriguing question: “Will there be Twinkies served at the Schmoe Challenge?”

Nope. Last week, a judge approved bankruptcy liquidation of Hostess Brands Inc., the maker of Twinkies.

When informed of the pending demise of Twinkies, Marta didn’t bat an eye. “Don’t worry. There’s always Spam and Velveeta on Wonder Bread with Miracle Whip,” she emailed.

Um. More bad news. Wonder Bread is toast – it’s made by Hostess, too.

Email questions to actionline@durangoherald.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 80301. You can request anonymity if you worry about the Ho Ho Ho being taken out of holidays now that Hostess Ho Hos are gone, leaving us with only one Ho. Or is this a Ho-hum issue?

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